Again, Once More
by no-me-gusta-espanol
Summary: [SPOILER ALERT] When things seem out of control st the SimpsonNelson household, Emma falls back on some old habits.
1. Chapter 1

**Again, Once More**

SPOILER ALERT!

I will warn you all, right now, I don't live in Canada. I'm stuck in the US, with The-N; my guess on the actual happenings of these two episodes (Our Lips Are Sealed 1&2) are as good as any other non-Canadian.

I apologize in advance if my writing isn't accurate. I've read spoilers and episode summaries. I'm writing this to get the episodes out of my head (knowing The-N, I won't see this until summer... ).

Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or CTV. I'm just a poor fan(atic).

Chapter 1) Old Habits Never Die

She's doing it again. Every morning she wakes up at the crack of dawn to run a mile or two. Her breakfast and lunch remain untouched; what her mother and Mr. Simpson don't know, won't hurt them, she reasoned.

"_I wanna be so skinny that I rot from view_ 1," She sings almost cheerfully, quoting a Manic Street Preachers song. She feels great. Running in the early hours of the morning seems to be working wonders. The 98 sit-ups she did last night could be a factor too.

"Emma! Why are you still up?" asked Christine "Spike" Nelson, "You don't have to be up for two hours." Emma gave a small jump as her mother entered the small kitchen.

Spike eyes narrowed slightly in suspicion. "Emma, are you alright?" A slight tilt of her head, and a confident swish of her blonde mane.

"Mom," a fake, yet deceiving, sincere smile with a relaxed stance tops off her lie. "I feel so much better. I'm talking to the school counselor." This is a lie.

"And, I don't feel so pressured anymore. I know I can come to you or Snake if I'm having a problem." Again, that was a complete and utter lie. Spike stared at her teenage daughter with a scrutinizing glance. Emma seemed to be sincere, but something didn't seem quite right.

"Are you sure, Em?"

Again a false smile and, "Of course, I came down for an early morning snack. I'm _starving_!" Another lie that made Emma want to cringe in shame. She hated lying to her family, but this _disease_ was something she needed. It gave her a sense of control; the weight loss was merely a perk.

"Well, don't let me intrude; I just came down to heat a bottle for Jack." Emma smiled slightly at her mother's offhand comment. Although he is almost three, Jack still preferred a warm milk bottle to help him sleep.

"Don't give me that look, Emma," Christine joked, not noticing that her daughter's grin did not quite reach her eyes. Suddenly her facial features became more serious and her voice hardened a little.

"Well, go on," she stated, referring to Emma's afore mentioned snack. She had to eat, Emma realized. She had no choice; her mother was testing her to see if she was getting better. Emma approached the fridge in a seemingly nonchalant manner, while internally, her stomach dropped in fear. It would be horrible to eat after running for the last hour and a half. Emma felt trapped. She was a death-row inmate, trapped in the kitchen, with the refrigerator playing the part of the executioner.

"_Quod me nutrit me distruit _2," Emma muttered in a breath-like whisper. She eyed to food cautiously; it was the lethal injection that would knock her out forever.

"There is some left over cake on the top shelf," called Christine from the bottom of the stairs. "I'll be down in a minute, Em; chocolate cake sounds good right now."

"S-sure, Mom, I'll make a couple plates." She wanted to cry. Chocolate cake, God Lord, there must be at _least_ 40 calories in one spoonful! And the _fat_ content! A piece of cake could ruin her entire diet. My hands are shaking, Emma thought dully. She felt it coming on; she was losing control. Emma was stuck in a rock and hard place. To eat, or not to eat.

As she set out the plates of chocolate cake, Emma realized that she should have snuck in her bedroom window, even with the risk of waking Manny.

She's not paying attention, thought Archie "Snake" Simpson as he surveyed his Advanced Media Immersion class. Emma's attention span seemed to grow shorter with every passing day.

"Emma," he called out in a neutral voice. Emma looked quickly at her teacher and step father's voice. Black dots danced in front of her eyes. Dan cake, she reasoned. It had to be the cake.

"Emma!" Ah, yes that's why she had jumped.

"Yes," she inquired, hoping to sound as if she had been paying attention to Mr. Simpson's lecture.

"Please stay after class." After the usual rounds of snickers and "Ooooohs", the class resumed in its normal, uninterrupted manner.

Emma stood silently, waiting for the rest of the class to leave. Surrogate father, and daughter stared at random spots of the walls, out the glass window, or at a nearby flickering computer screen. Anywhere, but at each other.

"Ah." It was Mr. Simpson that broke the awkward silence. "Um, your mother seems to believe that you are recovering well; she mentioned that you had some chocolate cake this morning?" Snake scratched the back of his nervously. "So, uh, what I mean is… Emma, I'm not good at this kind of thing…" He smiled in embarrassment.

She smiles. What a good girl, a good _little_ girl.

Another quick smile, "Yeah, Archie." The cute nickname serves to ease any lingering worries that Snake might harbor.

"You guys are really helping." A calm demeanor works perfectly. A bit more charm, and Mr. Simpson dismisses her; his worries appeased.

Emma left the classroom, her bright smile quickly giving way to more depressed frown. Her parents could be so frustrating sometimes! She was glad that they worried, but this wasn't a big deal! Okay, so once she had collapsed. It was just stress.

Manny, at least, seemed semi-normal about this. "I'm just trying to give you some space, some freedom." Or that's what she said, when Emma had questioned her distant behavior. Emma whole-heartedly believed Manny was still miffed about Peter. So, he had made a mistake; so had Emma. Even Manny had, as Emma reminded her when she had criticized Emma's relationship.

Peter was a good guy; he had helped her a lot after she was released from the hospital. A small, but truly sincere smile graced Emma's lips at the thought of Peter. I think I may be in love with him, she thought happily as she headed to her next class. Her disease was momentarily forgotten.

The line is a lyric from Manic Street Preacher's, 4St. 7lb. 'Tis a good song; I recommend it!

This is an almost universal "Anorexia Quote". It means "What nourishes me, also destroys me".

Any grammatical errors (the sentence fragments were left as I could not fix them without damaging the story. Any spelling errors are due to this crappy computer.

I like comments… Review. ((Stares)) !


	2. Chapter 2

**Again, Once More**

SPOILER ALERT!

I will warn you all, right now, I don't live in Canada. I'm stuck in the US, with The-N; my guess on the actual happenings of these two episodes (Our Lips Are Sealed 1&2) are as good as any other non-Canadian.

I apologize in advance if my writing isn't accurate. I've read spoilers and episode summaries. I'm writing this to get the episodes out of my head (knowing The-N, I won't see this until summer... ).

Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or CTV. I'm just a poor fan(atic).

Chapter 2) Dinnertime is the Worst Time

Dinnertime, Emma's newly disliked time, was fast approaching. She sighed softly. Since her hospitalization, the family watched her every movement. Except Jack, of course. After dinner the family would gather in the living room for some "bonding" time. Emma chuckled darkly at the very thought. More like, "make sure Emma isn't purging" time, Emma was far from stupid; she knew full well what her parents were thinking.

This only made all the better at hiding this. Emma winced slightly; she really wished this disease had never happened. She sighed once more. Looking back, she realized that everything that happened, the shooting, her flirtation with the dark side, and the gonorrhea episode, merely built up to this. When had everything fallen apart? Emma felt like a derailed train. Destination, nowhere.

"Emma, Manny, dinner!" Emma stood up, ignoring her discomfort. Even with the dizziness and the constant headaches, Emma felt relieved in a sense. Control, she was in absolute control. All she had to do was keep this a secret. This time she wouldn't fail.

A sudden knock, interrupted Emma's previous train of thought.

"Emma?" called Christine, voice laced with a hint of concern. She clears her throat, glides up the stairs, and opens the door. She can't forget the award winning smile.

"Yes?" _Good, act confused; pretend you didn't hear her_.

What on earth? Emma had to mentally shake herself. That wasn't her thought. Was it? Christine smiled softly. Emma seemed to be feeling better about herself. Her cheeks were a rosy red, healthy. Seeing her daughter in that kind of pain had hurt her. Christine didn't understand why Emma felt a need to starve herself to feel good. Anorexia and bulimia hadn't been well known in the 1980's.

"Emma, it's time for dinner; I made sushi." This time Emma smiled for real. Sushi had, like, no calories. Her mom had been making a large variety of foods for mealtimes. Perhaps to coax Emma into eating?

"Mom, where's Manny?" asked Emma on the way to the dining room. Christine shot a confused look at her daughter.

"What do you mean? She's been home since four." Emma nodded silently. Ah, right. She had been exercising. Since running seemed out of the question (according to her parents and her therapist), Emma had taken to doing aerobics in her room with loud music playing. She also listened to her Discman, where artists, such as Silverchair, Radiohead, and Manic Street Preachers, belted out tunes about eating disorders. The music from her stereo served to quell the other's worries. No one would believe she was well if they heard the new music that she was into.

"Never mind, Mom, just temporary amnesia," Emma reassured her mother. _Smile _This time, she was too lost in her own thoughts to notice the voice. I wonder, thought Emma, if Ellie listened to music about self mutilation when she was cutting… Ellie's cutting and Emma's eating disorder was not a secret at Degrassi… There really aren't any secrets at the school.

Dinner was promptly served at six, every evening. The regular mealtimes were a new occurrence. The older kids and adults sat in their places, serving themselves portion of the oriental meal, while Jack happily dined on a more toddler-friendly version of the meal. Mr. Simpson watched his step-daughter pick at her food cautiously, while the other nearly wolfed her serving down.

"Some vegetarian sushi, Emmers?" Manny burst into hysterical giggles at Snake's friendly jibe. Emma merely cracked a smile. She stared at the plate almost forlornly; Snake had taken the time to make her something special. She felt almost obligated to eat some. Hesitantly, as if the plate would bite her, she snagged a few pieces of sushi with her chopsticks.

"Of course, Archie-ball!" Emma and Manny both cackled with laughter at Emma's response. Did her laugh sound forced? Emma sincerely hoped not. The meal progressed, much to slowly, according to Emma. Although she had gotten better at hiding her food, she still had to eat a few bites to keep suspicion low.

Eventually dinner did come to an end. Emma quickly grabbed her plate and cup; she had to discard any evidence that could be used against her, against her "control". She placed her napkins (which were full of uneaten food) in the trash bin and proceeded to rinse off her remaining dishes. She deliberately took her time with her glass. Earlier, she had purposely grabbed a tinted glass. It was very easy to spit unwanted food particles into the cup without detection.

"Thanks for the help, Emma." Emma smiled thinly at her mother. Spike merely thought Emma was just trying to help out; she had no idea why her daughter was really being so helpful. Its better this way, thought Emma sadly. Again with the lies.

"No problem, Mom." And to Spike, there was no problem. Emma was determined to keep it this way. She had to.

The family bonding went by without a problem. They had played monopoly. Unfortunately, Emma had gone bankrupt within the first ten minutes. Her thought were focused elsewhere especially not on a child's game. She had to burn 120 calories. That was about an hours run, but she would have to settle with rushed sit-ups during Manny's shower.

The evening quickly gave way to the night. Emma and Manny's bedtime had long since past, but neither had acknowledged the fact. Manny had a plethora of books and overdue assignments; the cheer squad and family obligations had really taken a toll on her academic success. Emma, unbeknownst to Manny, occupied herself with a large book. Page after page were filled with what Emma referred to as "thinspo", guidelines and rules about her disease.

The internet had turned out to be a valuable source of information about her eating disorder. Sites dubbed "Pro-Ana" and "Pro-Mia" gave many helpful tips and tricks about everything and anything to do with the subject. It was really interesting; these sites inspired Emma to the absolute best that she could.

"Emma?" Manny called from behind the curtain. Emma sat up, and quickly hid her complex food journal in her wooden lockbox. After securely locking the box, Emma responded to Manny inquiry.

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to turn the light off; is that okay?" Short and brief, exactly what she deserved, reasoned Emma. Even if Manny would die for her, Manny wasn't too pleased with Emma's relationship with Peter Stone.

"Yeah, that's fine." Emma smiled happily. She could finish her sit ups after Manny fell asleep. This was turning out to be easier than she had expected. Who knew hiding an eating disorder was so easy?

Well, there's chapter 2; I hope you all enjoyed it I also hope that it was better than the last. I have to go help with dinner so enjoy! Reviews are good.


	3. Chapter 3

**Again, Once More**

SPOILER ALERT!

I will warn you all, right now, I don't live in Canada. I'm stuck in the US, with The-N; my guess on the actual happenings of these two episodes (Our Lips Are Sealed 1&2) are as good as any other non-Canadian.

I apologize in advance if my writing isn't accurate. I've read spoilers and episode summaries. I'm writing this to get the episodes out of my head (knowing The-N, I won't see them until summer... ).

Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or CTV. I'm just a poor fan(atic).

Chapter 3) An Innocent Notebook

"Emma!" An urgent yell sounded in the small basement room.

"Emma!" Manny shouted once more in a seemingly futile attempt to wake the sleeping blonde. After she didn't answer for he third time, Manny pulled the blankets back in a frenzy. What if Emma had fainted again, or worse? Even as angry as she was with Emma, Manny knew she would be absolutely devastated if something had happened.

A scream caught in Manny's throat. Emma hadn't passed out; she wasn't even there! _Okay. Calm down. _Manny told herself. _She's fine. I'm sure she's just up early._ Even as she reasoned with herself, Manny felt a cold dread sweep over her. Up until recently Emma had always woken up before she did. It was known that Emma was a morning person. Until a month or so ago… When her alarm rang, Emma had taken to slowly dragging herself out of bed.

That thought alone, worried Manny. The only other time Emma had been so tired was when she wasn't eating. Could anorexia come back? She thought Emma was better; she had beaten this.

Manny failed, however, to remember that only a few months had passed since the anorexia scare. It was barely a week into September. With that final lingering thought, Manny bolted away from her friend's bed. _September, senior year, homework!_ Manny hadn't finished a few random math problems in her Algebra book! _Yikes!_ She had but a half hour to complete her homework and be ready to leave. And so Manny made a hasty start, in high hopes to be done with the said tasks…

Exhaustion crept upon Emma early into second period. She was taking an advanced math course. Much to her dismay, math was not so easy for her this year. It wasn't more than a week or two into the new school year, but Emma felt like the days were dragging on into eons. Her early morning runs seemed to be taking detrimental turn on her heath. Emma knew she was losing too much sleep. Her grades already showed this. _I know I'm going to have a "B" on my report card…_

She felt overwhelmed. Like at the intervention Manny and Peter had set up last year. Her breath hitched, she gasped quietly. She needed a release.

In a split second, Emma had reached into her bag and pulled out a normal looking notebook. Flipping to the back, she turned to notebook upside down to read the hurriedly scribbled words. It was a trick she had learned on her own. Nobody ever looked at the last pages first.

_August 17, 2006_

_Breakfast _

_½ serving Rice Chex ® cereal – 60cals. 0fat_

_½ serving milk on cereal – 45cals. 0fat_

_Total- 105cals. 0fat_

_Exercise – 2 mile run – burned 220cals._

_Lunch_

_Celery – 0cals. 0fat_

_Few bites of a carrot – 0cals. 0fat_

_Exercise – Gym class, lifted weights 30 mins. burned 200cals._

Emma smiled as she read the note on the very top (bottom?) of the page.

_Negative calorie foods – treat as "0" cals. And "0" fat as they take more calories to burn than the amount of calories in the actual food._

She had been so trusting of the "Pro-Ana" sites even a month ago. She had learned that there aren't any actual "negative calorie foods". Unless, you eat, like, cardboard… Her knowledge of cardboard's reaction to the human digestive system was the only thing that kept her from attempting to eat it…

"Miss Nelson! Are you listening?" Emma stared blankly at the face of her math teacher. Degrassi had hired a new teacher for the math department. The school's average in mathematics had decreased, thus resulting in a new teacher. Mrs. Schimcht was actually a good teacher; Emma just couldn't keep her mind from wandering.

"Um, yes…" Mrs. Schmicht narrowed her eyes in suspicion. It appeared Emma's "studious" reputation preceded her. Emma was well mannered and polite, not something seen often in today's teenagers1. Unfortunately, her schoolwork seemed lacking and her assignments were turned in with obviously incorrect answers. Like, Emma didn't even try.

"Alright class, please turn to page 42 and do the first ten problems."

"Hey! Emma!" Emma groaned inwardly. Mr. Simpson, also known as _Archie_. She sighed quietly; Mr. Simpson (as she referred to him during school) usually let Emma be. He didn't want to intrude on her social life. Typical father. That's why Emma knew this conversation wouldn't go well.

"I know you would prefer to have this conversation later…"

_But?_ Emma prodded mentally.

"Manny told me that she couldn't find you this morning." Emma's heart instantly jumped to her throat. Ah, this situation _wasn't_ good. She could feel her breath quicken. What to say? _Sorry, Archie, I almost collapsed on the side of the road? _She thought not.

Emma grasped the first idea that her mind came up with and decided to go for it.

"Breakfast? Remember Mr. Simpson, the most important meal of the day?" Sometimes Emma amazed even herself at her new-found ability in using "little white lies". She sounded exactly like herself in grade 9, during her science fair presentation.

"Of course." Emma noticed Mr. Simpson's grin did not seem to reach his eyes. Or any other parts of his face…

"Mr. Simpson, you know me…" Emma tried lamely. _Please, please, please don't take that the wrong way. _Emma begged to Mr. Simpson inwardly.

"Alright, Emma." Said he than sending his step daughter on her way. Could this mean something? Please, no. He had been just devastated when Emma had been hospitalized for Anorexia. He laid the majority of the blame upon himself. He was an adult; Emma was still a kid. He shouldn't have left Emma to play the parent. And only because he had the decision to make-out with the principal. What on Earth had he been thinking?

The past was just that, right now, Archie needed to focus on the present. He had a grade 7 MI class to teach.

1 Sorry about the "teenager's today" crack. I was merely looking through the teacher's eyes.

Done! I was really rushing this! I have to leave, like, now and I'm not ready! I felt bad for not updating sooner. Sorries, I had to baby sit. No time to type, not with a 6 month old.


	4. Chapter 4

**Again, Once More**

SPOILER ALERT!

I will warn you all, right now, I don't live in Canada. I'm stuck in the US, with The-N. Although, I have recently viewed the new episodes, I haven't see all of the new episodes. My computer is a piece of junk…

I apologize in advance if my writing isn't accurate. I've read spoilers and episode summaries. I'm writing this to get the episodes out of my head (knowing The-N, I won't see them until summer... ). Yeah, I'm still writing this to get the episodes out of my head… So, I have an obsession! What is to you!

Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or CTV. I'm just a poor fan(atic).

Chapter 4) Prologue to an Answer

The rest of the day had, for lack of a better word, sucked. Emma forced herself to walk the entire half-mile from the school to her home. Every so often, her lethargic mind would be crippled with an unrelenting onslaught of impending doom. She couldn't think clearly, breathing, alone, was becoming a difficult task. I was a reenactment of that fateful afternoon…

Emma's thoughts shifted painfully, painting a picture of a past, her past.

"_I wish I was ten."_

"_Mommy, I was so scared."_

"_But, I mean, I liked being a kid."_

All memories, all complicated situations, but even then, she had been naïve._ If only things could go back to the way they used to be… _thought Emma wearily as she let herself into her house. This could turn into a long afternoon…

"Mom, I'm home!" Emma called to her mother, across the length of the house.

"Emma, could you come here?" Spike's voice conveyed a great concern. Emma could feel her throat constrict more.

"Um, yeah, hold on," Emma replied. First, she had to regain a semblance of control. She _had_ to. Into her backpack, her hand dug deep into a small side pocket. Without hesitation, Emma whipped out her infamous notebook. Her new food diary looked like an ordinary notebook. Easily accessible, but not easily detectable. Emma stared at a very recent entry. She had fasted that day. Water and green tea had been the only things she had written.

Emma quickly returned the notebook to its original spot and headed to the kitchen, mind focused. Her mother was making a simple casserole from various leftovers. Emma cringed inwardly. Noodles had at least 200 calories per serving!

"Yes, Mom?" Her voice didn't tell of her fear, did it? No? _Good_. Emma gave a slight start; that voice from yesterday was back. What she didn't realize, was that the voice could and would be with her for a long time. Emma managed to jolt herself out of her funk long enough to hear Christine's final sentence.

"…Have you been jogging recently?"

_Lie, lie and deny. Use the beauty of half truths and whole lies._ Emma felt little remorse for he next response. This voice, the voice knew what was best, she realized. It had been helping her subconsciously since July. _Focus._

"What? Not recently, why?" Emma squashed the other voice in her head that told her this was wrong.

"Archie told me of your absence this morning and the neighbors say they have seen you I the early hours of the morning…" She wanted to groan. Loudly. This was turning out to be more difficult than she had earlier thought. Hiding her eating disorder was going to be difficult, but it was worth it.

"I trust you, Em, but I'm going to warn you now, I will be checking your room in the mornings." Emma smiled outwardly, while her insides screamed of the unfairness of the situation.

"Okay, Mom."

Dinner had once more passed in its normal manner. Emma had eaten about a fifth of her serving without detection. While she was grateful for that, Emma wished she could escape from the "family bonding hour". Anything to get rid of the lump of food that resided in her stomach. With a pitiful moan, Emma placed her checkers piece at the top of the board.

"King me," she stated in a slightly detached, unconcerned voice.

Archie and Christine shot one another a look. Spike stared deeply into Snake's eyes, as if trying to find the meaning of life. Archie's brow was knotted in deep thought. Something was definitely wrong with Emma. But neither could fathom the answer. Surely, thought Spike with great anxiety, Emma couldn't still be suffering?

It broke her heart, the very thought. Emma was her first born; it hurt her to see her daughter in this kind of pain. While eating disorders were not wide spread during her teen years, Christine understood the gist of them. Kathleen Mead, a very intelligent girl, had suffered from anorexia.

Kathleen also had an alcoholic mother and a workaholic father. She had to stop this train of thought. Emma's need for "control", via anorexia, scared her; it was tearing her up.

"Spike?" Manny interrupted Christine's thought process. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just thinking." Said Spike as her mind cleared. She first noticed Emma still staring apathetically at the game board, while Manny kept looking back in forth between mother and daughter. Her expression becoming more and more worried with each glance.

"So, began Archie in a desperate attempt to break the silence, "Anybody want some popcorn." Christine felt like she could laugh at her husband's naivety.

"I'll help." And so the married couple headed to the kitchen to make the popcorn.

"Snake!" Christine exclaimed loudly in frustration. Archie's fake grin instantly melted away to reveal a troubled expression of his own.

"I couldn't think of anything else; I'm sorry!" This time Spike did laugh. Hysterically. Quickly, though her laughter subsided into muffled sobs. She sobbed almost silently as Archie wrapped a protective arm around her petite form.

"Hey, it's okay…" This merely caused a new onslaught of tears. They both knew that it wasn't okay. Even four years ago, when she had watched her daughter cry over a pointless soap opera, Spike had felt as if her heart had been trampled upon. Of course, she had felt a little silly after learning the true cause of Emma's emotional upset…

"Snake…" She whimpered slightly. Archie sighed worriedly. He pulled his wife closer hugging her.

"Spike, do you remember our grade 9 science fair? " She stared at her husband in dismay. Why would he bring up something so irrelevant at a time like this?

"Archie…" she began with earnest, but she was quickly cut off.

"Spike, Christine, do you remember Heather and Erica's project? On eating disorders?"

Her eyes widened in remembrance, "Yes, Snake, I do." Snake continued with great fervor.

"Maybe we should research this; see what we can do to help her…" Spike's eyes lit up as she smiled softly.

"That." She kissed a slightly shocked Archie on the lips. He smiled tenderly.

"That is a great idea…" The two smiled once more before heading back to the now deserted living room. Tomorrow, they decided, they would research this. They would try to help their daughter. Hopefully this time Emma would beat Anorexia, once and for all.

So, that's the end of chapter 4. I did it! 'Tis quite amazing!

Heather and Erica were 2 characters on Degrassi Junior High and High. The did make a project on eating disorders. They were also twins.

Kathleen Mead was also a character on Degrassi High and Junior High; She did suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Her mother was an alcoholic. Yeah…I have the episode that deals with on tape… Good ole fashion VHS !


	5. Chapter 5

**Again, Once More**

SPOILER ALERT!

I will warn you all, right now, I don't live in Canada. I'm stuck in the US, with The-N. Although, I have recently viewed the new episodes, I haven't see all of the new episodes. My computer is a piece of junk…

I apologize in advance if my writing isn't accurate. I've read spoilers and episode summaries. I'm writing this to get the episodes out of my head (knowing The-N, I won't see them until summer... ). Yeah, I'm still writing this to get the episodes out of my head… So, I have an obsession! What is to you!

Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or CTV. I'm just a poor fan(atic).

Chapter 5) Muddled Thoughts and Shoe Conversations – Sorry, bad title!

_Well, this is dull_, thought Manny as she stared blankly at a few math worksheets. Emma had long since retired for the night, leaving Manny time to spare. After Spike and Snake had left the room, the three kids had attempted to finish the game with little luck.

Manny sighed sullenly. Emma had been acting distant recently. Like last year, realized Manny. Her boredom quickly faded to slight terror. _No way. Not again! Emma couldn't be doing this again. Why would she do this?_

Of course she had followed Emma's strict diet for about a week, but she didn't like it; she hadn't been _happy_. Manny could not figure out why Emma had to starve to be happy. Manny was lost.

She sighed once more before deciding to get some sleep as well. Mr. Simpson had announced there would be a difficult quiz tomorrow. Many hoped she would be able to sleep with Emma's disgustingly loud music. For the life of her Manny was unable to fathom why her friend had taken to listening to loud music while sleeping.

In the end, it turned out that Manny had spent more time staring restlessly at the ceiling, than actually sleeping.

The alarm's shrill pitch sounded through out the dark room. A hand mysteriously reached out from beneath a plethora of covers to slam, unmercifully, upon the machine. _Just five more minutes you damn thing…_ thought Emma sourly as her sleep-fogged mind acknowledged the alarm's ring.

And so the girl slept deeply, until once more the alarm rang to life.

"Alright! I'm up!" Emma very nearly screamed as she, once more, punched the 'off' button. There had been no morning run for her. After her mother's warning, Emma did not dare. She would have to think of something new, a new exercise routine. The thought of becoming physically unfit chilled Emma to her bones. Physically unfit was merely a nice way of saying 'fat'. Fat was something Emma Nelson could not and would not become.

"Emma! Breakfast, and I will expect you up here eating within ten minutes!"

Emma groaned softly as she heard her mother's call. _She's getting suspicious. _The mysterious voice stated softly in a matter-of-fact manner. Emma almost wanted to reply, _What should I do, then_, but decided not to.

Emma stared at the curtain that separated her side and Manny's side of the room.

"Manny, are you up?" Emma called. Manny responded with an affirmation; Emma turned away and grabbed a pair of jeans. She hastily pulled them on. She quickly grabbed a matching shirt. After dressing and brushing her hair, Emma flopped down lazily on her unmade bed. She reached under her bed and fished out what looked like a photograph album.

If there was an answer to her current dilemma, Emma concluded it had to be in this book. This book, in particular, held vast information from various pro-ana websites. Looking at the information, anyone could tell that the House of ED was her favorite site.

After skimming her "Tips and Tricks" page, Emma still felt clueless as to get out of eating. The tips were good, really good, if nobody knew about her eating disorder. She could hide her food n her napkin, but that option was very risky. She did not want to get caught, but she could not eat.

_Spit the food out in your cup; you have no choice. I'm with you_. Emma sighed, resigned. If she had to, she would. She had to keep in control.

"Emma (insert middle name 1) Nelson! It's been twenty minutes!" Emma tossed the book underneath her bed while she grabbed her backpack and purse. She vaguely realized that Manny had already gone upstairs. She sighed in reminisce. It had been easier hiding this in the summer as there had been no structured mealtimes. She could have easily woken up at one or two in the afternoon without being questioned on breakfast, or the lack there of.

Emma headed up the stairs. She would have to do her best to hide her "unusual" eating habits, especially if her parents were suspicious.

"Sorry, Mom, my hair was being a pain," Emma stated with a small laugh at the end. Breakfast had begun.

"Mom, where is the duct tape?" asked Emma as she meticulously scraped her dishes into the garbage. Christine looked up, but Archie responded first.

"I'm afraid you can't use it, I need it to fix up the plaster in your bedroom." Emma nodded slightly in agreement at his remark, but desperation quickly won. She needed, but a small amount. Surely, she reasoned, Archie could spare a tiny bit…

"I know, Archie, but my shoes have holes. I want to tape them up, because it's wet and muddy and gross…" Before Archie could respond, Christine asked,

"Why didn't you tell me, Em? If you come shopping with me tomorrow, we can stop at a shoe store." Emma repressed a sigh at her mother's comment. Even with Archie's salary, they didn't have a lot of money to spend on frivolous items.

"But, you said your shoes had holes in them…" _And I didn't want to bug you,_ thought Emma silently. Christine stared at her daughter, concerned. Yeah, they didn't have a lot of money, but Emma obviously needed shoes.

"Emma, she stated pointedly, "You need shoes; we'll go shopping tomorrow. Retail therapy!" Emma smiled slightly, before excusing herself. 2

Once reaching her room, Emma let the tears come. Why she was so upset, Emma did not know. _They're just shoes_, she told herself amidst tears. She would not bawl like a baby because her mother was going to buy her a pair of shoes.

_Why am I crying?_ She thought between another flood of tears. Frustration overwhelmed her. The last time she had cried like this was before Grade 7 when that Jordan guy almost raped her. _Shoes_, she thought bitterly, _could not be that important._

1 What on Earth is Emma's middle name? f anybody knows, I'd really appreciate it if you would let me know!

2 I'm guessing Snake works in a hair salon of sorts. In one episode, Snake mentions that she made "good tips", in Our Lips Are Sealed, she is working in a mall, and in a Degrassi Junior High/High episode, I think Snake's Mom worked in a hair salon. Family business, perhaps? If I'm wrong, please let me know!

Sorry for not updating sooner, I had a bit of writer's block. But here's the 5th chapter. I hope you all enjoy!


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